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By KimberlyWickham, October 9, 2009 4:30 pm

How Resilient Are You?

Indeed, good question… Is this a test? It must be because daily life certainly does test us, but how do you manage when the big ones hit? Gone through divorce? Job loss? Illness? Financial H bomb?

I’ve just read a very interesting article in the November/December AARP magazine (which is weird because it is already out and it’s only the beginning of October…) entitled, “The Secrets of Resilient People,” by Beth Howard. The article states that resiliency is a hot topic for research these days because Americans have been tested to the max with wars, natural disasters and economic crisis in the last few years – as if that’s anything new!  The result of this research has outlined what it takes to be considered one of the resilient illuminati (my term… bit too dramatic, do you think?) See the actual brilliant article and the specifics on the research, please.

But here are some findings – in a nutshell:

Resilient people…

• Stay connected and reach out to others to help them through tough times. They don’t turn their phones off, crawl into bed, and pull the covers over their heads.
• Are optimistic. This is a tough one for a lot of people. Trick is not to fake it and be too happy. Nobody likes a Pollyanna! Try instead to get into the habit of ‘framing the situation in more positive terms’, to use Howard’s words. She uses the following excellent example: when opening your 401K (with or without a martini in hand… my words, not Howard’s)think about changing your investment strategy as opposed to believing you will never be able to recoup your losses.
• Are spiritual. See something outside of themselves…
• Are playful. Act like children sometimes… laugh a lot!
• Give of their time and resources. They volunteer! And at the least, they go through their cupboards/closets on a regular basis and think what they can give to those in need. Take the focus off of themselves sometimes!
• Pick their battles. They focus on what they can change instead of wallowing in what they cannot. The whingers and the whiners pull their own energy drain plugs.
• Stay healthy. They eat well and exercise – it’s all about brain chemistry folks!
• Find the silver lining. This one is a challenge for some, for sure! When you feel so down it is quite difficult to see what good might come out of the situation, but while in the midst of it look around. Can you see how the event(s) is/are enabling you to become a better person or maybe change your mind about something?

Here is a nifty little test you can give yourself to see how resilient you are. I’ve taken some of the ideas from the article and the book they quote, ‘The Resiliency Advantage’, by Al Siebert, PhD. But the rest are mine. How many of these can you put a check-mark next to?

√  I am usually positive. That means I rarely experience road-rage, clean up after my dog with a smile and collect the mail with a sense of happy expectation instead of ‘bill-dread’.

√  I remain calm and cheerful when people say, “Maybe… but…”, “Absolutely! I will pay you next week…”, or “Of course I can fix it, but it’ll cost ya…”.

√  I am pleased, gracious, and still manage to work when the extended family arrives and is having such a good time they decide to stay the night… then another… then another… and yet another.

√  I laugh out loud when I do something silly and usually can find some humor in situations that are anything but funny.

√  I live, let live, and live and learn.

√ I can find my way around most problems/issues that arise. I have the ability to solve and love to help others to find solutions – even tougher things than whether to have a Cabernet Sauvignon or a Merlot with the main course.

√  I can still sleep at night even when I think things can’t get any worse than this.

√  I still smile and maintain a level of genuine amusement when I have asked a couple of other people who know me well, whether or not I can put a check-mark next to all of the above, and they respond, “No, um… not really!”

Seriously though, the article is quite informative and well-written. It is worthy of your reading time. (AARP November&December 2009, Mind and Body. Beth Howard. pp.34-37)

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By KimberlyWickham, October 6, 2009 2:22 pm

Don’t Worry – Be Happy?

I have been thinking about that post about the Glass Ceiling. I love it when things come across my desk that keep me thinking for days, don’t you? Anyway, I was mulling over the ideas of being able to create our reality when an old song suddenly popped into my head. That’s right, you guessed it – “Don’t Worry, Be Happy!” by Bobby McFerrin. That song was way back in the 80’s, wasn’t it?

As I recall, in the 80’s I worried about everything. I was a young-ish mother of a baby and I thought the world was a scary place! I had a friend who would groan every time that song came on the radio, “Ugh… if only it were that easy!” The song really used to irritate her. I found a difference in the way we perceived the song and a difference in the way we perceived life itself, in fact. Sure, we were both young and scared that our little boys might not be able to have a full life if the cold war was to annihilate the world as we knew it. The difference was where she saw a dark inevitability I saw a sliver of bright hope. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that it was a glass half empty – glass half full thing… it was more like my glass was half empty and hers was a quarter empty!

In those days I thought it best not to admit that I had hope and even when things looked so bleak I still had that little annoying optimism. Annoying anyway, to those who preferred to think the adult thing to do was to be pessimistic! The pessimists didn’t see it that way, they thought they were just ‘seeing it the way it was’ – being ‘realistic’.

As the years passed I was heartened by the end of the cold war and the promise of my son’s bright future. With each week, month, and year I slowly changed my outlook on everything. Even if I was seeing life in an ‘unrealistic’ way it just, plain felt better that way! I don’t mean I was listening to Pollyanna voices in my head – I merely learned to look over every situation presented to me and chose the more positive view. Not every situation had the proverbial silver lining, but I sure as heck was going to look for one. Something funny happened: the more I looked, the easier it was to find. I like to think I was playing a part in creating what I consider ‘my’ reality.

Call me crazy, call me airy-fairy, call me unrealistic… call me whatever you want. But know one thing; not worrying excessively does inevitably lead to happiness no matter which reality you choose. Try it!

Show your children that it just might work for them, too: http://www.kimberlywickham.com

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By KimberlyWickham, October 1, 2009 11:25 am

“What if there is no glass ceiling? Now there’s a provocative question!” As Lynne Healy asks in her article below – so what if we are making it all up? What if – if what we see is what we get? Stop and consider… just for a moment… what if we really did focus on and pour our energy into what we do want instead of continually lamenting what we do not have. Here is yet another brilliant example of how we might just be able to change our collective experience of an important issue. Thank you, Lynne Healy of the UK!

Reality or Belief?
What if there is no glass ceiling? Now there’s a provocative question!
I was recently listening to a radio discussion about the glass ceiling and the lack of women on company boards in the UK. Both women were very passionate about changing this reality – one is providing a mentoring scheme which, among other things, teaches women how to ‘work’ the male dominated approach so that they aren’t so marginalized. The other was much more militant and wants government to legislate to force companies to appoint women to their boards.

What hits me every time I read or hear about this glass ceiling is how much time and energy women put into resisting it and fighting the injustice of it. My instant thought is always ‘what could we be achieving if we gave the same amount of energy to what we actually want to create?’

Another question came to me this time, ‘what if the glass ceiling is nothing more than a very powerful belief that womankind is collectively holding?’ When we believe in something enough it influences how we experience life, the choices we make and what we believe we can and can’t achieve. This then reinforces the belief – and so the cycle continues. By believing a glass ceiling is there we ‘know’ the likelihood is we’ll be held back by our male colleagues and bosses and will be denied the opportunity to achieve all that we want to. In effect we’ve very neatly given our power away.

What if the women who have achieved great things in the business world actually broke through the belief rather than a glass ceiling? I cannot adequately convey to you in words the phenomenal change that occurs in you when you choose to change a profound belief you’ve been holding. You only really ‘get’ it when you experience it. It’s like a veil is lifted and you can see more clearly – a weight lifts that you didn’t know was there. What once seemed an insurmountable problem becomes manageable, you see potential you missed before, it’s easy to speak your truth and be heard, and you have so much more energy to create what you want. Anything is possible.

Imagine what the world would be like if women ‘knew’ that the only reality is that we can be / have / achieve our highest potential in everything we do? Women are holding the power to transform business, and with it the world – we have a unique energy that isn’t fully liberated yet because for too long we’ve become sidetracked by fighting injustice. When enough of us liberate this energy it will sweep through consciousness and impact everybody.

The changes we want will then fall into place naturally and graciously. If, right now, it’s a challenge too far to let go of the reality of a glass ceiling try pretending it’s not there for a while – and allow yourself to imagine what that would mean for women, businesses and the world. Pour your energy into thinking about what you do want – but be careful – don’t confine it to the framework that currently exists. How would the world look, what would you be doing, what would fulfill you and help you achieve all of your potential? What would you be creating that would help our world grow and flourish and be a vibrant place for everyone on it?

By Lynne Healy

http://www.lynnehealy.co.uk/ and http://www.vibrantmotherhood.com/

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By KimberlyWickham, September 27, 2009 4:48 pm

Every child is gifted and talented – right? Well… not really. Certainly almost every parent considers their child to be exceptionally bright but where does one draw the line? I think that is so subjective I never felt comfortable with being the one to make that determination!

Several years ago, when my son (now 25) was in kindergarten, I started a G&T program at his school, volunteering my time to run the program and teach the drama portion of the program. Using those loaded words “Gifted and Talented” invited so much in-fighting amongst teachers, administrators and parents we had to change the name to something less controversial. Changing the name seemed to satisfy a lot of the bickering so we continued work on the program quite happily until it came time for deciding who was actually eligible to participate. What a quagmire!

A few years later I became a full time teacher at that same school and the official G&T program launched. The in-fighting with the same groups started all over again but this time the administration was ready with a fully sanctioned state program. It got off to a shaky start as the burden of deciding which child was eligible fell on the shoulders of the classroom teachers. You can just imagine how that went over! Parents petitioned teachers, teachers begged relief from administration, administration turned to me to sort it all out… argh… Somehow, with the help of the classroom teachers, it was determined which of the very select group would actually be allowed to participate. It was a combination of several things (I wish I could remember all of the details of that, but I can’t!) from test scores to classroom work, but out of the whole lot selected (2^nd -6^th grade, 5 from each grade) I would have to say only one student was truly ‘gifted’.

Someday I will go into how that program ran, activities we enjoyed and other interesting details, but for now let it suffice for me to ask the question… what makes one ‘gifted and talented’? Do we look at the child who plays a piano concerto at 5 years old or do we focus more on the child who stares into space, finishes his ½ hour work in 5 minutes and then secretly finishes other children’s work? Is it the child who is unruly and the parent explains that he is ‘bored in school’? Is it the Asperger’s Syndrome kid or the one who spends all the free time in the corner reading far beyond his or her grade level?

Even with all the data available for these programs now, all the state guidelines, and all the specialty private programs, deciding who qualifies is still a matter for discussion and subjective determination!

I found these two links extremely interesting. These are comments from two parents with ‘gifted’ children about their experiences in public schools:

http://hormonecoloreddays.blogspot.com/2007/09/giving-up-on-public-education.html

http://desertspor.blogspot.com/2008/02/gifted-academy.html